Today it’s a calm and rainy day. I’m sitting cosily under my bed cover on the couch with a cup of tea. I’m sitting here, enjoying to write this , despite of my mind’s attempt to make me go sit at my desk to prepare for my new course. Just in case that someone would sign up for it. The thing is that after writing lots of words, making videos for social media and hanging posters all over the place, I still don’t have enough participants. My mind told me that there’s still time and maybe if I would just make some more effort, I might manage to find just enough people to make the thing go round. But today I decided to go with my gut feeling. And my gut feeling told me that forcing the course through is somehow out of alignment with the flow of my Life right now.
Looking back at the last weeks, I see that as the course got closer, I was falling into the old trap of working my ass off and draining my own energies while trying to be at service to others. And then suddenly, after making a video which was watched by more than 750 people, but had absolutely no effect, I just stopped. I stepped back. Took a deep breath. And took a day off. I went to yoga class for the first time in months and then sat down to watch a video with Gary Zukav, a name which I had come across several times, leaving me with a feeling that that guy had a message for me.
The message was this: Be aware of the deeper motivation of everything that you do. There are only two options; either you’re driven by Love or you’re driven by Fear. When I looked myself into the mirror, it was clear to me, that even though my new course was called Love your Life! there was a lot of Fear around it. Since it’s the first time ever, that I offered a live course, it was a big step for me. And even though I knew that what I offered was valuable, there were all these fear based questions coming up all the time. Would I be able to find enough people? Would I be able to be in control of the time? How would I remember everything I wanted to say?
Now I realised that even though I had worked a lot with surrendering the results in the process, I was SCARED that the course wouldn’t go on and SCARED to feel like a failure- just like all the other times in my life that I didn’t manage to go through with a project. In other words, I was driven by Fear. And it dawned to me that despite of all the steps I had taken towards self Love, I was still valuing myself according to my level of success. I knew that, ironically, I would never become truly successful until I would no longer depend on being so.
Instead of feeling like a failure, I was now able to receive the following Life lesson with self respect and Gratitude:
“It doesn’t matter what you do or do not do- it doesn’t matter what happens or does not happen to you; you are always worthy and deserving of Love”.
And then yesterday night on my yoga mat, Grace finally set in. My perception shifted and within a split second I was in a state of awareness. I was no longer identified with the drama of my personality. I was connected to my essence of Love. A Love which not even the biggest success could ever add anything to. A Love which not even the biggest failure could ever take away from me. Because what I am – and what you are is Love.