These days, my husband and I form a really good team. He earns the stable income. I take care of the house. He brings our son to his specialized daycare. I take care of everything around my daughter. He repairs the car and do all the indoor practical jobs. I safeguard that there’s some kind of a structure in our lives and make sure the kids have clean clothes. And finally we share the (mountains of) paperwork around the kids, who are both .
We don’t have much time together, cause whe the kids are finally sleeping, we both collapse. But on Friday morning, we’re completely child free together, and then we have our sacred weekly date. But since the schools are closed for the holiday this week, we didn’t have our sacred morning yesterday. And in the evening, I suddenly felt just how much I was missing us. With the worst timing possible (my husband was busy turning on the dishwasher with one hand and changing diaper with the other) I asked him for a hug. And in that moment, he just had no space for it. I felt cold and rejected and went upstairs to bring my daughter to bed with some unreleased tears.
Shortly after, I heard my husband comming up the stairs. He came into my daughter’s room- and complained about all the mess he was stumbling over in the hall. “Is that what you came to say?”, I asked when I went down to go to the toilet. “No, I came to tell you why I just don’t have any space for hugging right now”, he said- and referred to the fact that we were both completely drained from my daughters behavoir that same evening. We started a fruitless discussion, as we tend to do when we’re bot exhausted, then I cut it off and went back to my daughter, now with even more heartache.
Later, again I heard my husbands footsteps on the stairs. He stepped into the room with our son in his arms and said: “I just come to give mama a hug”. We hugged with both kids in our arms. In a splitsecond my heart was happy again. But my daughter kept on doing difficult, like she had done the whole day, complaining and not wanting to co-operate with the toothbrushing. When I’m energetic myself, I am able to be the one who contains. But I was not. In fact I was feeling quite desperate. And so, again, I found myself in a discussion- which is off course a dead end street- not least when you’re dealing with a child with Autism, who can’t really put herself in your place. “… but Mom, I can’t sleep”, she nagged for the fifth time.
I took a deep breath- and then pulled the switch. “How about that I give you a massage?”, I asked, knowing how much she loves that. She nodded happily and finally put her head on the pillow. I started to massage her legs, breathing in and out with the movements and meanwhile feeling my love for her. She lifted her head from the pillow and said: “Mom, are we friends again?”. “Yes, we are!”, I said. Fighting seems to be an an almost unavoidable part of human Life- some even say that it’s needed in order to grow together in our relationships. But it is SO crucial to find each other back again- everytime. And sitting there in my daughters bed, I realized that just one deep breath, one conscious moment in the mind of one of the fighting persons, can decide wheather you both go to bed heartbroken or feeling loved unconditionally. Maybe you would want to be that person next time?